Thyme Waits For No Man

It starts going black after a while. No matter how nicely you ask it.

The BEST Weekend EVER!

This is the last weekend we’ll have together before “the corporation” (read: cunt) snatches me away and we only have a few minutes at night to “be intimate”.

Let’s make this the BEST WEEKEND EVER! (<--- emotive, relatable, actionable: the perfect marketing campaign)

I’m Never Leaving The House Again

The worst thing about seeing a movie is that I get an idea for a post (my mind is never resting! I even dream posts, man. FUCK.) near the start but I know I have at least two hours before I get home and I can write it down. So I forget it. But it was the best post I’d ever thought of. No question about it.

They thought I was laughing at the movie, but I wasn’t.

Shocking!

So the other week I trickily killed this guy (for no real reason/revenge/fun) and then hid his body. Well the police investigators did a good job investigating and they brought me in for a hard-hitting interview.

But something wasn’t right…

The lead male detective wasn’t charismatic, in a sort of creepy and mysterious way, and the female investigator wasn’t hot. The guys doing the work in the lab weren’t young and spunky either.

What’s the deal with that?

An Invention That Is Needed

The Laugh Analyser

The Laugh Analyser ™ will analyse the tone, pitch and length of your laugh to determine just what sort of a person you are. It’s never been easier to find out if you have a psychotic laugh! Just react to the hilarious stimuli on the screen to see how you “measure up”.

The Laugh Analyser ™ is great for:

• Parties
• Firstdates
• Analysing your laugh
• A gift!

Crafty Devils

As a child I really hated all Kraft products. There wasn’t even one I could tolerate: I just hated them all so much.

My parents, realising that a dislike for Kraft products would mean that my adult life would be weird and unfulfilling (boy I showed them!), decided to use my kindergarten teachers to trick me into eating Kraft products.

“Who wants to do craft?” the teachers would ask. (whoa, I just went all Dr Seuss on your arses) I would, of course, cheer with reckless abandon. And craft time would commence.

After a while a teacher would come over to me and ask if I would like to do some extra special craft in the back room. Of course I did. In the back room they would ask if I loved craft. I answered yes every time. They would then slap me, force a handful of those crappy Kraft processed cheese sticks down my windpipe and say “damn right you love Kraft.”

This happened every week for two years until I realised that as an adult I would love Kraft and rough, fucked-up sex.

Maybe Not A Medal But... Something

If it wasn't for me, the plight of Oatley residents opposing overdevelopment (ie Coles/progress) wouldn't have reached as far as Melbourne.

Was it wrong for me to squeal with joy (like a bat? No. A bat that just ate? Closer.) when I saw this post?:
http://ladycrackerland.blogspot.com/2005/10/face-painting.html

I certainly don't think so.

Another Dear John Letter

Dear Terry (Cloth),

You have no idea how hard it is for me to write this letter to you. But I feel that the time has come for us to part ways and I need to be the one to do it, since you have no arms to write letters with. I suppose I owe you an explanation.

Things have just changed between us. When we were first together you were so warm and attentive to my needs. When you wrapped yourself around me I almost felt like I could get lost inside of you. I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t feel great then.

But things changed; you changed; I changed. After a while I realised that you just weren’t fulfilling my needs like you used to. I guess it happened gradually, since I didn’t even notice the change. One day you were holding me and it felt great, the next it just didn’t feel good anymore. You used to listen to me, absorb me even. But I just don’t feel that’s happening any more. I give part of myself to you and it just sits there on the surface.

And that’s why I have to say goodbye to you now, Terry (Cloth). I just hope you understand.

Love, always,
Jobe

Made Up Overheard Conversation #1

Man: Officer there’s a fly in my suit.

Officer: I know, it’s supposed to be there.

Man: Oh.
Me: LOL.

Souled

I sold my soul to the devil for a large sum of money. I had no idea the devil liked soul music. He was so eager to have my whole collection. He told me to call him if I get any more. I asked him for his phone number, he just said "I'm the devil, LOL. I'll be there!"

Things To Ask Yourself Before Buying A Medallion

• Do I want a medallion?
• Will I look good in a medallion?
• What do I hope to achieve from buying a medallion?
• Would something less gaudy fulfil that need?
• Do I need a medallion?
• WWJD?

An Honest Question

Did YOUR 7 Star rating system get used by Roy and HG on the radio last weekend?

A Thought That Wakes Me Up In The Middle Of The Night

If an alien came to Earth today to sample our culture and went to a music store, he/she/it would most likely make his/her/its selection from the ‘world music’ section.

I know I speak for others when I say I don’t want their decision to blow up my planet (YES IT’S MINE, FUCK OFF!) hinging on THAT (<---condescending tone) music.

Botox Or Anal Sex?

• When selecting the place you want to have it done, make sure it is a clean and sterile environment.
• It may hurt a little during the process.
• Before beginning, make sure the area is properly prepared.
• It’s a good idea to do a little research beforehand to make sure it’s something that you want to have done to you.
• You might feel a little flushed afterwards, but you’ll definitely feel better.
• If it’s your first time getting it done, it’s best to ask the person giving it to you to take it slow and explain what is going on at each stage of the process.
• You might feel a little tight in the area being treated, but that is a normal feeling. Just enjoy it!
• Make sure that the person giving it to you is experienced with the procedure or you risk injury and irritation.
• Also make sure that you trust this person.
• If a rash develops, see your doctor.
• If you want to give it to someone, make sure they know. It isn’t something you can just spring on someone who isn’t expecting it.

And Here's To A Thousand More

Live from the party

First Date

Well the other day I finally realised that I was over the whole Sarah debacle and ready to date again. But when I was thinking about who I would like to date I had a revelation: I don’t want to date girls anymore. Every time I’ve dated a girl it has ended in tears and tragedy (awwww).

From now on I’ll only date men.

But where to start? I don’t know the first thing about meeting men and asking them out on firstdates. I decided to start by seeking out the help of a gay friend. But after realising I don’t have any gay friends I decided that the first step in this process will be to become friends with a gay man.

So lately I’ve been hanging around places where I think gay men will be: scarf stores, newsagencies and small delicatessens. So far I haven’t made friends with any but I hope that one day I will and we will become friends and they will share the secrets of dating other men with me.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Tool Of The Devil

I was doing some DIY projects yesterday when I realised that I was missing a required tool to complete one of the projects: underage sex. I just totally forgot that it was needed to make a pagoda! <---forehead slap RIGHT THERE

But before I gave in and trashed the pagoda, I decided to ask my neighbour if he had the required tool, since he is a tool store in his part time. I went over and asked if he had an underage sex I could borrow. He said he had lots and I could take my pick from a wide selection and choose the one that suited my needs the best.

I had a look around and settled on a medium sized one (safe bet!). I picked it up and started walking out when my neighbour stopped me and yelled, “no, not that! That’s a tool of the devil!”

I was pretty stunned and scared so I just grabbed another one. Before I left I asked him what some other tools of the devil were, so I could avoid them in future. He was more than happy to give me a brochure that lists them as:

• Underage sex
• Rock and roll
• Ball hammer
• Headaches
• This brochure was printed on recycled paper

I Blew My Wad

Last week someone gave me a really big wad of cash. But I blew most it on dynamite, which I used to {{EXPLODE}} the rest. To make matters worse I got fined for an {{UNLICENSED EXPLOSION}} and now I’m in debt.

Gone

Today I lost an ‘I’. I like to spend my days making words with those magnetic letters you can put on fridges. But today I lost an ‘I’ and everything got just that little bit harder. Now I only have one 'I' left. It's impossible to spell 'impossible'.

The {{ALL NEW}} Spelling Bees

Kids these days don’t need to spell. I think we should forget about having spelling bees and instead have more important (read: exploitive) competitions for kids. Such as the following…

Crocodile Hunting Bee:
One by one kids are asked to hunt a crocodile until there is only one (child) remaining. Benefits include child learning valuable life skills and realising they can deal with anything they might face in life (if it is a crocodile).

Resume Building Bee:
A strong resume will help them later on in life much more than being crowned winner of a spelling bee. They will also benefit from greater confidence in their skills and abilities (at researching and analysing customer buying trends using data mining techniques learnt at University and put into practise at their work for Lasting Impression Research during their employment there which lasted from June 1998 until April 2004).

Being Bee:
Because sometimes just existing is challenge enough…

Fighting Chance

After watching his son (Haley-Joel Osmond) struggle to survive a birth-gone-wrong, Steve Chancey (Jim Carrey) names him ‘Chance’ and pledges to make him the heavyweight boxing champion of the world because it would be so profound and elaborate.

But things go wrong for Steve when Chance turns five and the boxing commission refuse to allow a child with huge birth defects to box as a heavyweight. Will Steve find true love in time to save the farm?

On Clouds 1-through-8

I’m probably the most compassionate person in the entire blogosphere (WTF’s a blogosphere?), which makes me almost 100% convinced (6/8ths?) that I’m the first person to wonder what happened to all the other clouds when cloud 9 was given the title of the cloud of happiness.

What do they do all day? Can I be their friend?

You Must Fight

I went to another country for ice cream the other day, because I heard that their local ice cream is to die/travel long distances for. But when I got there they were in the middle of a civil war. Both sides were so desperate for soldiers that they asked me to fight. I wasn’t sure which side to choose, since I have no allegiances to either one.

In the end I chose to fight a weight loss battle with myself and a tub of rum and raisin.

Dancing With The Stars

Last night I went dancing with the stars. It was so awkward, I didn’t know how to hold them. So many points… I was kicked out of the solar system for touching a male stars reproductive organs.

“Get your hands of my tips!”

“I thought they were your hands.”

“STARS DON’T HAVE HANDS!”

It's like... what Bjork would eat in space

Can’t Go, Mum’s Making A Lamb Roast

There’s an ad on TV where a couple find a sheep in the pantry of their dreamhome. If I found a sheep in a pantry I would assume it is food and I would cook it. Someone obviously put it in there for a reason (ie eating/storing for later eating).

An Unwelcome Interruption (of Mass Importance)

Oh shit! PRESS RELEASE, etc. That Jobe fella got an employment. How will he be able to maintain a healthy work/life/blog balance? Especially since he won't have the opportunity to blog at work.

What the people on the street are saying (in soundbite form):

"Oh shit!"

"I don't think he can't possibly not manage to close his blog."

"With your new 'fat sack of cash' you will be spending a lot of time in Babe Territory [Population: 69]."

"I like grapes."

"Post more pictures of thrilling conclusions and outlandish pizzas."