Poem

Going away for a few days
Might not have the net
Don't wig out on me
I won't call the ambos for you

A Funny Bone

I was out to dinner the other month (been sitting on this post for a while. It’s not that entertaining really) with some people and at another table was this chick around my age that had the most incredible laugh I have ever heard.

The first time we heard it, our entire table just stopped and wondered what the hell it was. Until we realised...

Her laugh sounded like the stabbing violins during the infamous shower scene in the movie Psycho.

I’m going to just pause for a minute while you try and imagine someone that laughs like that. That laughs like the stabbing violins from the shower scene in Psycho...




Bit longer...





Weird ey?

Yeah.

So her crazy laughing pretty much happened every 15 minutes or so, much to our wonderment.

But I couldn’t help but think about how awesome it would be to have sex with her.

She wasn’t great looking, but she wasn’t bad looking. She wasn’t fat or anything.

What a great notch in the belt... a chick who laughs like that. It’s something to tell the grandkids/wife/etc.

Swan dodges interest rate question

Opposition treasury spokesman Wayne Swan says he can't say whether interest rates would continue to rise if Labor wins government.

ANSWER THE QUESTION, SWAN!

Mr Swan dodged the question five times during a radio interview today.

DODGER!

Inflation and interest rates are the hot topics in the federal election campaign after the Reserve Bank of Australia raised base rates yesterday by 0.25 per cent to 6.75 per cent.

Economists have since speculated that further rate rises next year may be on the cards.

Asked if there would be more rate rises, Mr Swan said it was not for him to speculate.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

"That's entirely a matter for the independent Reserve Bank," he told Southern Cross Broadcasting.

DON'T LIE

He went on to say that Labor's policies would improve the economy, but did not promise to reduce inflation.

"There are inflationary pressures which are driving interest rates, which is why Kevin Rudd and I, all the time, right throughout the last year, have been talking about our economic programs to enhance the productive capacity of the economy," Mr Swan said.

WHY CHANGE THE SUBJECT FOR?

Pressed again about future rate rises, he gave a different answer.

OH MY GOD!

"There may be or there may not be further interest rate rises," Mr Swan said.

FLIP FLOP!

Mr Swan later told Sky News he could not guarantee Labor would be able to stop any more rates rises.

FLIP FLOP!

"I can't make irresponsible promises like John Howard has been making," he said.

SURE YOU CAN, JUST TRY A BIT

Mr Swan said Labor would put in place a program to put downward pressure on inflation, run budget surpluses and keep a tight rein on spending.

Labor would also keep rates low by investing in education and skills and heed Reserve Bank warnings, he said.

"They've had 20 warnings from the Reserve Bank over the last three years to do something about the skills crisis and to do something about infrastructure bottlenecks," Mr Swan said.

"They've ignored those warnings, they've put their feet up, relaxed and comfortable, and the consequence has been rising prices, record mortgage stress and rising interest rates.

"I think a lot of families feel cheated by John Howard and Peter Costello."

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE RATES?

Hey, Octopus Baby. What's Up?

Not much. Just chilling out really! I'm too ugly to date or attend university.

What's This On My TV Screen During Big Brother?

It's me!


Following flagging ratings for this year's outing and criticisms the show had become tired and predictable, Big Brother's producers have promised to give viewers more control over who goes into the house next year.

Would-be housemates have been invited to submit a 90-second audition clip on the Big Brother website.

The submissions will be put to an online vote from next month with the top three guaranteed a spot in the house and the top 50 guaranteed to go through to the second round of auditions. The remaining housemates will be chosen by the producers, Endemol Southern Star (ESS).

Firstdate Time

I haven’t been on a firstdate for ages. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me on that. It had been so long that I thought I’d forget what to do.

So it was with massive amounts of interpretation and a little codeine to pass the time that I boarded my firstdate the other day.

But it went really great. Just... exceptional. I had a really good time and the firstdate was really comfortable. The ride was really nice and I felt no motion sickness.

There was even a nice dinner and a bar which was all enjoyable.

Here’s a picture of the firstdate I went on:

It’s Not Rape (no, really it’s not)

I was having a conversation with a dude the other day when this fucking bitch that looked like a keg made of fish decides to just join in and ruin the vibe.

It was about this sign for a shop that we saw that had a really weird looking ‘U’ in the title. They tried to be all fancy by making it look weird but it was actually just shit.

Ext. Day
Near sign with messed up ‘U’ in it
Characters: Me, Dude, Chick

Me: Man, the ‘U’ in that sign is fucked.

Dude: Ugh. Really. What were they thinking?

Me: It’s not even fucked really. The ‘U’ probably didn’t get a say in the matter. It’s a raped ‘U’.

Chick: How dare you rape someone and then have the audacity to talk about it!

Me: We weren’t...

Chick: You should be ASHAMED of yourselves!

Me: We said ‘U’ not...

Chick: Oh so now you are going to rape me? I should report you to the police for a threat like that.

Dude: No. ‘U’...

*Dude points at the sign, which Chick doesn’t see*

Chick: A uwe? You raped a uwe? That is just disgusting and highly illegal! How could you think that raping a defenceless animal is any better?

Me: No. I said ‘U’ not ‘a uwe’. You have confused both the ‘U’ I was referring to and have completely raped the grammar of my original statement.

Chick: YOU RAPED THE GRANDMA?

*Me and Dude leave*


This shit happens to me too much.

GetPoorQuick.com

Today I registered the domain www.getpoorquick.com.

My theory is that the market (of the world) is flooded with people offering you the chance to get rich quick. But nowhere can you find help on getting poor quick.

Granted, getting poor is pretty shit, but I think I can guarantee that you will get poorer quicker using my system than anything else you will try.

The symbol I use to represent my loss of wealth is the pyramid. The pyramid is good because you can start at the top of the pyramid, then when you start the program you pretty much slide to the bottom and have no chance of stopping.

Awesome Comeback

I used this awesome comeback the other day and I thought I’d share it with you in case the situation arose in your life and you needed to quickly think of a sure-fire killer line.

“Jobe, fucken grow up and act your age.”

“Hahaha yeah I’ll act my age when I’m 69 and I’ll give your daughter a call, bitch.”

It has entered my top 10 comebacks list.

Wants and Needs

I used to think that I needed you and that if we broke up I wouldn’t be able to survive.

Then we broke up and I wondered if I’d be able to survive.

But then I realised that I never actually needed you (per se), I just needed the affection and validation that I got from being in a relationship with you.

Now I realise that there isn’t really anything special about you, and I can survive quite happily with other women/random guy providing that same affection and validation.

Errrr.... Bored Much?

Or just in love?

Blood Curdling Thoughts (cooking it on a too high heat, obvs)

Today I had an awful thought.

Not your normal I-should-totally-rape-and-murder-that-person awful thought. No, this was bad. I'd go as far to describe it us uberawful, if that wasn't the gayest term I had heard all day. So, no, I won't go that far to describe it.

The thought? Oh, right. Yes that is rather important.

"This is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night..."

Today I had a few run-ins with things that people think are funny that I thought were in fact not funny at all. These very things that were very popular. Sketch comedy shows, highly visited blogs, comedians. All loved by countless people around the world. But I couldn't stand them.

But then the thought came to me (that's the awful thought for those playing at home). What if that sort of shit really IS funny, but my sense of humour is terrible. I thought I had a great taste for GOOD comedy, but what if I've been wrong this whole time and I wouldn't know funny if it came up and bit me (obviously I'd be so shocked that something had bitten me that it would take me a while to recognise it though).

This is really bad.

The Most Annoying Thing Ever

MISS IT THE FIRST TIME? HERE IT IS AGAIN BUT BIGGER

The Graffiti Problem

There are just monumental problems right now right graffiti on trains. One of the main offenders of this is punk kids writing on shit with markers. I don’t think they realise that no one wants to read their crappy texta scrawls.

That’s why I got an idea.

We need to stop selling permanent markers. But it’s not that simple (yeah, slow down). What we need to do is make every permanent marker available a whiteboard marker, but still label it as a permanent marker.

The kids will write their tagging, not realising that it can be easily wiped off later.

But what if we need a permanent marker, you ask? Easy. We just label that as a whiteboard marker. But to avoid confusion with actual whiteboard markers we label real whiteboard markers as “White Board Marker (no, really)” and the permanent ones as “White Board Marker”.

It’ll take some adjustment but I think we can do it.

Furniture

So I was at a party last night and I was being pretty funny. I decided to sit on peoples arms, and when they got pissed off I’d say “what, this isn’t an armchair?” And if they spoke I’d say “wow, you can talk! You’re like the furniture in Beauty and the Beast.”

I made approximately 3 new friends that night.

The Green Tea Madness: It Begins

By The Bin I Sit (A Poem)

I'm sitting near the bin
The waste paper basket
Call it what you will
I certainly am going to

Another card
Toss
Not masturbation
Spring cleaning

Remembering you at Christmas
Well not you specifically
But the card you gave me
That I am disposing of

I haven't seen you since
Should I give you a card this year
I probably won't
It's kind of awkward